Difficult Decisions

Life can be difficult sometimes. We have to make decisions that might hurt other people, or may cause us to make sacrifices that are hard to make. I have a hard time with decision making. I want everyone to be happy. I feel the need to please other people at any cost to myself. This is not always good. In fact, this habit of mine to make decisions based on what I think other people want me to do or say, has really come back to bite me.

I need to learn how to be honest with people about how I feel right away, otherwise I make a decision that I may not be okay with because I think it's what the other person wants, which then causes me to harbor resentment for not getting what I want. This is my own fault. I need to work on saying how I really feel, even though I might feel like I would be letting someone down or not giving them what they want.

Andy and I have been trying to decide where we are going to end up over the next 3-6 years and what it will mean for Andy to continue with school and working towards his Ph.D. We have come to find more and more that the amount of stability and security that goes along with pursuing a Ph.D. is very slim. There is no guarantee that we will stay in the same place for more than a few years, no way to know for sure if Andy will be able to get a job anywhere near family and friends in the Mid-West, and no way to know how long we will live in the same place once he does get a job.

 I guess I didn't really know how much moving around and uncertainty went along with the decision to get a Ph.D. I guess I didn't really know how important it is to me to have stability and security. I have been trying to figure out what to do in this situation. Do I sacrifice my desires to have stability, be close to family, buy a house, start having children, stay at a job for more than a year, and not feel like I'm going to lose it all and have to start over again in 3-5 years to follow my husband and support him? Or do I put the decision on him to give up what he has been working towards for the past few years and look for something else to do with his life that would provide me with the security and stability that I am looking for?

 I am completely torn. I have no idea what to do. This whole time I have been thinking that I would be okay to move somewhere farther away from family so Andy could get his Masters of Divinity, with the idea that we would move back to the Mid-West when he was done in 2-3 years. But with the recent decision for Andy to continue on and get his Ph.D. adding another 3-4 years to his education, and pursuing a vocation that does not allow much security and would require the willingness to move wherever there is a job available, whenever there is a job available, I find myself less comfortable and almost unwilling to submit to a life style that forces me to continuously live in a state of transition. My instinct is to give up what I want for him to have what he wants, but then I don't want to resent him for making a decision that I told him I was okay with... When I don't know if I am.

So the question is, what decision do I make? Do I give up the things that are important to me for the sake of my husband, or do I ask my husband to give up what is important to him for my sake? All I can think to do right now is ask God for clarity and peace. I need His guidance more than ever. Please God give me the wisdom to discern what is right, and keep in mind those things most important to the ones I love, and those most important to me.